


the world is okay

by randomtuna13 (belindarimbi13)



Category: The End Of The Fucking World (TV)
Genre: Character Study, F/M, Internal Monologue, POV Alternating, Post-Canon, Unconventional Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-22
Updated: 2020-03-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:27:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23256913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/belindarimbi13/pseuds/randomtuna13
Summary: He found home and she found sanctuary. Sometimes, world aligns itself to make them possible.
Relationships: Alyssa/James (The End of the Fucking World)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19





	the world is okay

**Author's Note:**

>   * The End of the F***ing World is a Netflix series written by Charlie Covell, directed by Jonathan Entwistle, Lucy Tcherniak, Lucy Forbes, and Destiny Ekaragha; based on a graphic novel of the same name by Charles Forsman.
>   * The author does not take material advantage from writing this fanfiction. 
> 


_I did not know I have a talent._

**"Get back to work, Seahorse!"**

_I also did not know why I get called Seahorse._

**"On it, Boss!"**

_Of everything that has happened in my life,_

_working with a butcher should be the last thing to surprise me._

_And yet, here I am._

**"I don't want lamb, what do you mean I can't get the fish?"**

**"Ma'am, we don't sell fish or any other seafood here."**

**"What are you, a racist butcher? You think fish don't have great meat?"**

_My Boss, his name is, Mr. Farouk and he sighs a lot._

**"Seahorse, don't just stand there! Go help me!"**

_And yells a lot too._

**"Okay!"**

_But, this is the only job I can afford._

_And I love it._

_Because getting a job means I get paid._

_And getting paid means I can buy Alyssa things_

_without any risk of getting arrested._

  
  


×•×

  
  


**"Alyssa, your man is here!"**

_Ugh. I can never see James as a man._

_He's just... James for me._

**"I can see him, thank you."**

_Leigh can be too much, but she's better than Mom._

_Not that there is anything to compare._

_Mom still antagonises me for ruining my perfect wedding_

_and she has zero interest in talking to me,_

_so Leigh is the best I can get._

_Beside, she pays my wages._

**"Hey."**

_James can't properly wave._

_And he can't properly smile._

**"Hey."**

_I guess, I'm not better than him._

**"I brought you something."**

_Here's the thing._

_I analyse people._

_I pay attention because else,_

_I would never know how to act in society._

_I watch how people talk, flirt, or simply sit._

_I analyse and I would do the opposite norm they do._

_With James, I don't have to do that._

_I know he's already the opposite of everything in my life._

_And strangely, everything that I’m familiar with._

**"You brought or bought?"**

_I don’t know why it's so hard to be nice to him._

_I think, I'm broken._

_I'm pretty sure, I am._

**"Both."**

_Have I told you, he didn't smile properly?_

  
  


×•×

  
  


_Alyssa doesn't seem interested._

_I don't dare to hope her to._

_With her, I could bring her the moon_

_and she would say something along 'no thanks, moon is too much to care'._

_But I gave her the first thing I buy with my first salary._

_So, at least it means something, right?_

**"You bought me... a dress?"**

_It's so hard to read her expression._

**"Yeah, I saw it on my way home and I thought it would suit you."**

_I don't want her to reject my gift._

**"Let me see."**

_I shouldn't be hoping—_

**"Ugh, purple? Really? I will look like a walking eggplant wearing this."**

— _but I can't help it._

**"It reminds me of orchids."**

**"What?"**

**"Orchids. It's an exotic flower—"**

**"Geez, James, I know what orchid is!"**

_Sometimes, I feel like I'm not built for emotions._

_For feelings._

_I'm so bad at expressing them,_

_I really thought I couldn't process them at all._

_But Alyssa made me realize I was wrong._

**"If you don't want it—"**

**"Back off, you gave it to me. It's mine now!"**

**"You said—"**

**"What?"**

_I can't help it._

_I can't help these emotions and feelings when I'm around her._

**"Nothing. Nothing, Alyssa."**

  
  


×•×

  
  


_James works in local butcher._

_It's kind of fitting._

_He told me he used to torture animals_

_and keep their dead bodies as trophies._

_I should be scared, but I am not._

_In a way, he just sounds like a hunter to me._

_An amateur one._

_I'm glad Leigh could pair him with Mr. Farouk._

**"What can I get you, Sir?"**

**"Oh, can I order those mouthwatering—"**

_James gives me a secret smile when_

_this old man launching miles about how our burger remind him of his wife._

_I want to smile._

_I really want to._

_But I turn away._

**"Coming right up, Sir."**

_When I sneak a glance from kitchen,_

_I see James sighing into his coffee._

_And I feel guilty._

**"Ya boy waiting for you to get off, again, eh?"**

_Simon needs to mind his own business._

**"Fuck off."**

_He just laughs._

**"You both are adorable."**

_We are not._

**"Just cook the goddamn burger, the man is waiting."**

_When I deliver the old man's tea,_

_I glance at James again._

_I'm ready to smile._

_A little._

_But when I see him, talking animatedly with some girl,_

_all I want is stomping my feet and dragging him home._

  
  


×•×

  
  


_I don't know what we do to deserve Leigh._

_She is so kind._

_She offers me her lake house to rent, when I express my interest to settle down in this city._

_It's no use of me, driving around._

_And I'm tired of driving like I've been running away, like something is chasing me down._

_I made a peace with myself and the past, and now I want to sit down and wait for the future to come._

_Alyssa laughed at me when I performed this speech._

_But for some reasons, Leigh understood._

_And the most unexpected part, Alyssa knocked my door that night, asking if she can stay in to stay away from her mother._

"I can sleep on the couch."

"You can take the bed, Alyssa. I don't mind sleeping on the couch."

"Well, okay, if that's what you want."

_It's not what I want._

_All I want is laying next to her, listening to her steady breathing, her heartbeat._

_Holding her hand, cuddling her._

_Burying my face on her hair._

_But I guess, we can't always get what we want._

_I may be over it, but Alyssa..._

"James, pssst, wake up."

"What—"

"Come back to bed, I'm cold."

_...Alyssa takes her time._

_And I would not be the one to rush her._

_And if I wake up to see her have kicked me off the mattress, then I will take it._

_If each morning gets better, and I get fewer kicks, I will take it._

_The lake house has become my home, because there's Alyssa in it._

_Because Alyssa is my home._

  
  


×•×

  
  


_She can't be older than 15._

_But she looks older._

_I know it, because people used to tell me the same things._

_I wonder if her parents dump her or if she runs away._

**"Alyssa!"**

_James waves me._

_The girl looks at me as if she wants to skin me alive._

**"What?"**

**"Meet—"**

_I don't care._

_I'm going to refer her as Serial Killer girl in my head._

**"Are you lost?"**

_The girl avoids staring into my eyes._

**"No."**

**"Are you running away? It's okay, you can tell us."**

_I ran away with this idiot two times_

_and now he thinks he's an expert._

**"Can we not talk about it?"**

**"Well, that's we can do. What can I get you?"**

_Great, I don't need to pity anyone else but me and James._

_This girl can fuck off._

**"Um—"**

**"Try the burger!"**

**"Oh no, I don't really—"**

**"Their scones, maybe?"**

**"Yeah, yeah, I want that."**

**"You hear that, Alyssa? Scones and I guess, an extra strong coffee."**

_James acts like this girl is someone that needs his care._

**"Kids shouldn't be drinking coffee."**

**"I'm seventeen, I think I can decide it for myself."**

**"Hey—"**

**"Yeah, you're not convincing, kid."**

**"What's your problem?"**

_I hate this girl so much._

**"I don't know, what's _your_ problem?"**

**"Alyssa—"**

_I don't know why I get so temperamental over her._

_I see things when I get mad, angry._

_I swear I see the ashtray moves an inch._

**"STOP IT."**

_James holds my hand._

_And he holds the girl's hand._

_Great._

**"What's going on here?"**

_Leigh steps in._

_And I decide that kitchen is safer place_

_to hide away and calm myself._

  
  


×•×

  
  


_Alyssa doesn't want to talk to me._

_She's still upset about the diner incident._

**"Alyssa, are you going to—"**

_She just scoffs me off._

_I prepare myself to sleep on the couch._

**"I'm gonna sleep here."**

_Alyssa ignores me._

_I pile the thin pillows and makes myself comfortable_

_while Alyssa, sitting on the end of couch,_

_not saying anything._

_When she stands up, I don't expect her to—_

**"Sorry."**

— _to hug me._

**"What for?"**

**"Acting like literal five years old."**

_I pat her._

**"Okay."**

_She retreats herself._

_And for some reasons, I expect her to invite me to join her in the bedroom._

_But she doesn't._

_And it's alright._

_I stay where I stay, almost fall asleep when she calls out._

**"Come to bed, I'm fucking freezing."**

_I grin to myself._

  
  


×•×

  
  


_Did you know?_

_Some traumatic events could heighten our senses?_

_Like it could enhance our sight, or hearing, as if our body prepare itself in case there would be similar event happening in the future?_

_My ears are now super sensitive._

_I could hear someone breaking in._

_I'm not afraid._

_But I'm cautious._

**"James!"**

_James turns away in his sleep._

**"James, wake up!"**

**"Ungg—wha—"**

_I can hear whoever's footsteps getting more audible and confident._

**"Shhhh! Someone breaks into our house!"**

_That gets his attention._

**"Go, take a look and tell them to fuck off!"**

_At first, he just blinks, like he is not quite sure about what I'm talking about._

**"Stay here."**

_Almost die doesn't mean you're immune to another chance to die._

_You're not a cat._

_You don't have nine lives, neither does James._

_But stupid James, of course he thinks talking down a robber will work._

_Stupid, idiot, moronic James._

  
  


×•×

  
  


_There's nothing I'm afraid of, except losing Alyssa._

_And I'm glad that it's not anything that would lead me into that, tonight._

**"Kindly explain to us, why the fuck you break into our house."**

_Or maybe not._

_It's the girl from diner._

**"I thought this lake house is empty!"**

**"Well, it isn't. And it doesn't explain why you're fucking sneaking around like a fugitive."**

**"I'm not a fugitive!"**

**"That's exactly what a fugitive would say!"**

_Alyssa is beautiful in her fury and also, really scary._

**"James, did you rat out our home to her?"**

_I can't remember._

**"He didn't do anything!"**

**"Shut up, Serial Killer girl! I'm asking James! James, did you fucking tell her where we live?"**

**"No, why would I do that?"**

**"I don't know, maybe because you think you're a saint but you're an absolute idiot at the same time!"**

_It almost feels like a compliment._

**"Can you just let me go? I swear, I didn't mean to steal anything. I just need somewhere to sleep."**

_She kinda reminds me of Alyssa._

_A bit._

_Or maybe me._

_It's hard to distinguish, sometimes._

**"Why not?"**

  
  


×•×

  
  


_I regret every single fucking choice that leads me into inviting him to my bed._

_Fuck James._

_Fuck him._

**"Great, now you're on her side? Might as well sleep with her, on the fucking couch."**

_Serial Killer girl brings out the worst of me._

**"No, I can't. I'm just gonna go and find somewhere else—"**

**"You can take the couch, I'm gonna sit on the recliner. I'm not sleepy anyway."**

**"James—"**

_I fucking hate that she says his name like it matters._

_Like it means something._

_Why the hell I act like this?_

_I used to let a stranger hitchhiking us and ended up very nearly killed us._

_Why am I so against this Serial Killer girl?_

**"You both please carry on with your bickering, I'm gonna fucking sleep. And for the fuck's sake, don't have sex while I'm on the next room."**

_It fucking hurts to say it._

**"ALYSSA!"**

**"HEY—"**

_It fucking hurts to think about James with someone else._

_Is it..._

_Can it be what James felt when he knew about me and Todd?_

_And why in the fucking fuck I can’t pity myself in peace?_

_Fuck James._

_He shouldn't make me feel guilty._

  
  


×•×

  
  


_I can't sleep._

_And I can't bear to be in the same room with a girl_

_who constantly apologises and ready to run away_

_when you can see double bags under her eyes._

_So I'm out._

_Sitting by the lake._

_I find the lake therapeutic,_

_despite the bad memories it entails._

_I guess, that's what happens when you're making peace._

_You are no longer getting scared, or repulsed,_

_with things that used to haunt you._

_Those ghosts have gone._

_Or at least, the presence of my ghosts have incredibly decreased._

_I'm not sure about Alyssa._

_Sometimes, I feel like she is still trapped in the haunted house,_

_never really leaving._

_She tamed her ghosts, but not making them go away._

_And it scares me._

_I'm scared that Alyssa will make a permanent choice_

_to choose those ghosts over me._

_I'm afraid that Alyssa will pick the haunted house_

_over our lake house._

_I'm terrified that when Alyssa did that,_

_I can't do anything about it._

  
  


×•×

  
  


_The Serial Killer girl has the audacity to fucking sleep on the couch._

_Granted, I told her to, but nobody should take that literally._

_I tiptoe across the room,_

_with no sight of James everywhere,_

_I guess he must be outside._

_I'm impressed, James can still be near the lake_

_and not get remembered by his dead mother._

_I wouldn't know how to do it._

_I saw a bloody meat once in the kitchen,_

_and I puke my guts out._

_He's there._

_Sitting by himself, swatting away mosquitoes._

_Stupid James, I love him._

**"Why the fuck you're here? It's fucking cold and you're just about getting rash with millions of Only-God-knows insects."**

_I'm bad at telling him this._

**"Can't sleep."**

_He's lying._

_I can see he tries containing the yawns._

**"What's so good out here?"**

_James looks up to me and smiles._

_I love his smile._

**"Water?"**

_I don't laugh. I'm mad at him._

**"Idiot."**

**"I get that."**

_He hesitates to reach out,_

_so I curl myself beside him_

_before I question myself further._

_He fucking kisses my forehead._

_Ew._

**"I swear, I don't mean to—"**

**"She leaves the first thing in the morning."**

_James sighs._

_But it's the good kind of sighing._

**"Okay."**

  
  


×•×  
  


_I get a flashback to the good ol' times_

_when me and Alyssa were falling asleep by the ocean._

_I'm not romantic,_

_I would never call myself that,_

_but I'm feeling like one right now._

**"My arms are dying."**

_I'm not claiming to be a poet to declare my romantic side._

**"It's your own fault, anyway."**

_Neither is Alyssa._

_I kiss Alyssa tenderly,_

_as if it's the most natural thing in the world._

**"Morning breath, James!"**

_I can't help it._

**"Sorry."**

**"Yeah whatever, let's get back and hope that little shit really keeps her promise and hadn't stolen anything yet."**

_But Alyssa takes my hand._

_And the world is okay for a while._

  
  


×××

  
  


_**Dear diary,** _

_**I sneak into strangers house, sleep on their couch, and then wake up to find myself wanting to cook them pancakes.** _

_"What the fuck are you doing?"_

_**This girl, Alyssa. I like her.** _

_**Maybe I would grow up to be like her.** _

_"I made breakfast. As a thank you."_

_**Goobs likes my pancakes. Oh Gosh, I miss him.** _

_"It's our groceries."_

_**The boy, James. He's okay.** _

_**Not my type.** _

_**But he's alright.** _

_"C'mon, take a bite? I don't poison them."_

_**I don't need the poison when I'm toxic as hell.** _

_"It looks delicious, thank you."_

_"You don't need to thank her, she uses our ingredients."_

_**The girl got her points.** _

_"I made coffee too."_

_**To think about it, it's funny I got triggered with coffee thing at the diner.** _

_**Bad time.** _

_"It's good."_

_"Used to make 'em. I'm glad it tastes okay."_

_"It tastes like a fucking cardboard—fuck, James, what's that for? I just tell her the truth."_

_"Thank you for the honesty, m'lady."_

_**Fuck, why do I flirt with this girl? You're so fucked up.** _

_"You need to leave after this. Breakfast is not enough to bribe us."_

_"Alyssa—"_

_**No problemo.** _

_**I have caused shits as much as is it.** _

_"No shit, James, it's okay. I plan to catch a bus to the next city anyway."_

_"He can drive you to the bus stop."_

_**Eh, didn't expect that.** _

_**She's a real roller coaster.**_

_"I can?"_

_"Why not, the faster she’s outta her, the better."_

_**A real roller coaster.** _

_"Do you need anything? I can drive you to the store before you leave."_

_"Don't overstretch your hospitality, you could get killed."_

_"Alyssa."_

_**These two are so hilarious. I wonder if they're a horror enthusiasts. They toss the word 'kill' so casually.** _

_**If only they know.** _

_"What's your name again?"_

_"Why would you need to ask her that?"_

_"Well, I can't go on and keep calling her, 'the girl' in my head—"_

_"It's Serial Killer girl, I told you."_

_**If only they know.** _

_"I'm honored with the nickname."_

_**Alyssa snorted.** _

_**I didn't know why I suddenly have the urge to laugh.** _

_**Maybe I'm hysterical.** _

_"But in case you wanna know, my name is Sidney. Sidney Novak."_

_**Definitely hysterical.** _

  
  


  
  


• **fin •**

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> > Yup, that cameo is Sydney Novak from [I'm Not Okay With This](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/I_Am_Not_Okay_with_This).
> 
> These internal monologues have been haunting me these last days. I just know I have to get it outta my head.
> 
> Yes, I'm aware that TEOTFW is British and INOWT is American, just roll with it okay?


End file.
